The Catholic League? Ridiculous? Nah...

A bit of background: The Catholic League is one of those hilarious "watchdog" organizations that has it in for anyone who criticizes the Catholic Church (regardless of whether it's deserved).  Bill Donohue, its leader, is a pathetic little nobody with a persecution complex who bleeds personally (stigmata, anyone?) anytime someone pricks the Catholic Church.  There's a joke about Catholics and pricks here someplace, where did I leave it...?

Today, Belgium; Tomorrow, Vatican City

Belgian police authorities have raided Catholic Church offices to look for evidence of sexual crimes. BBC News:

"At the home of Archbishop Danneels in Mechelen, just north of Brussels, police did not question the cleric but took away his computer, according to his spokesman, Hans Geybels.Mr. Geybels said police had also asked the archbishop to accompany them to the cathedral in Mechelen because they had heard that there might be files there.

He said the officers were tapping on boards and looking for hidden spaces but, as far as he was aware, they had not found anything.

He said Cardinal Danneels was co-operating fully: "The cardinal believes justice must run its normal course. He has nothing against that.""

(Sarcastically) Well, it's nice to see the Pope is on the case, too:

"Pope Benedict XVI says the clerical child abuse scandal shows that the greatest threat to Catholicism comes from "sin within" the Church."

Let me translate that for you: The gay kids we emotionally suppress in adolescence by telling them their innate, predisposed gayness is inherently evil are endangering the gravy train by joining the priesthood and acting out on their tendencies with minors. The Pope sees this as sin.

I see the Pope as a twisted bastard in denial.

I'll let Andrew Sullivan (a gay Catholic) belt that one out of the park:

"(I)magine you are a young gay Catholic teen coming into his sexuality and utterly convinced that it's vile and evil. What do you do? I can tell you from my own experience. You bury it. But of course, you can't bury it. So you objectify sex; and masturbate. You cannot have sexual or even emotional contact with a teenage girl, because it is simply impossible, and you certainly cannot have sex with another teenage boy or you will burn in hell for ever ... so you have sex with images in your own head. Your sex life becomes completely solitary. It can be empowered by pornography or simply teenage imagination. Some shard of beauty, some aspect of sensuality, some vision of desire will keep you sexually energized for days.

Now suppose your powers of suppression and attachment to religious authority are also strong - perhaps stronger because you feel so adrift you need something solid to cling onto in your psyche. And you know you cannot marry a woman. But you want to have status and cover as a single man. If this is the 1950s and 1960s, it's into the Church you go. You think it will cure you. In fact, it only makes you sicker because your denial is buttressed by their collective denial. And the whole thing becomes one big and deepening spiral of lies and corruption.

Many of these tormented men have arrested sexual and emotional development. They have never had a sexual or intimate relationship with any other human being. Sex for them is an abstraction, a sin, not an interaction with an equal. And their sexuality has been frozen at the first real moment of internal terror: their early teens. So they tend to be attracted still to those who are in their own stage of development: teenage boys. And in their new positions, they are given total access to these kids who revere them for their power.

So they use these children to express themselves sexually. They barely see these children as young and vulnerable human beings, incapable of true consent. Because they have never had a real sexual relationship, have never had to deal with the core issue of human equality and dignity in sex, they don't see the children as victims. Like the tortured gay man, Michael Jackson, they see them as friends. They are even gifted at interacting with them in non-sexual ways. One theme you find in many of these stories is that until these screwed up priests' abuse and molestation is revealed, they often have a great reputation as pastors. As emotionally developed as your average fourteen year old wanting to be loved, they sublimate a lot of their lives into clerical service. But they also act out sexually all the time."

And the cycle continues.

I don't give an explosive runny shit about Ratzinger's promises or finger-pointing, or even his apologies. I'll take him, or any pope, seriously when they declare homosexuality what it is--a naturally occurring, harmless minority in sexual preference. Unless it's repressed and turned into self-loathing...and directed outward at others.

Like Catholic Church high executives.

I don't know if Ratzinger's a closet case and I don't care. The Church is clearly incapable of internal reform at this point, because other than abortion, the only topic on which Catholic dogma rests is sex, specifically gay sex. If they admit they're wrong about that, their credibility really goes out the window. So what's left is to see secular authorities teach them that they are still accountable under the law.

Oh, and speaking of Laws, I wonder how well Cardinal Bernard Law is sleeping these days. I'd love to see him or Cardinal George of Chicago or ANYONE above the rank of monsignor do a perp walk.

Remember this, priesthood: molesting kids isn't a sin, it's a crime.

Bill Donohue Brings Teh Stoopid--Bonus Simpson's Edition

The gift just keeps on giving. It's actually an act in three parts. Act I: The Simpsons' 20th Halloween special:

One of the shorts was “Don’t Have a Cow, Mankind,” and it deals with a zombie-creating burger that infects all who eat it. Bart eats a burger and manages to stay safe, though, so he is referred to as the “Chosen One.” They have to take him to the Safe Zone in order to create an antidote.

When Marge gets him there, we hear this exchange:

Guard: “Welcome, son. To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.”

Marge: “Hold it right there, Bub! What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?”

Rev. Lovejoy: [Groans nervously]

Act II: Billy-boy's response:

What kind of uncivilized people work at Fox? Last year, when they poked some gentle fun at the Apostle’s Creed on the Halloween episode, we said nothing. That’s because it didn’t cross the line. This year is different: mocking the heart of any religion always crosses the line, and mocking the Eucharist does it for Catholics. They know this at Fox, which is precisely why they did it.

Act III--Hemant Mehta speaks for all of us:

Actually, there’s nothing wrong with mocking the “heart of any religion,” and Holy Communion is perfectly fair game. Let Catholics defend the practice of eating Jesus. The rest of us can call it what it is: absurd.

Via Friendly Atheist.

Bill Donohue Brings Teh Stoopid

This is almost unfair. I think my rear-claws-only cat could shred this marshmallow of a human being. But it's a Tuesday, and my job sucks, and I need a defenseless target.

The fearless leader of the League of Extraordinary Catholics has a new guest commentary in the Washington Post. The whole point seems to be "Catholics are being attacked!" and "Buy my book!" in equal measure. And, yet again, the guy walks into a rake:

If societal destruction is the goal, then it makes no sense to waste time by attacking the political or economic structure: the key to any society is its culture, and the heart of any culture is religion. In this society, that means Christianity, the big prize being Catholicism. Which explains why secular saboteurs are waging war against it.

And Billy-boy, don't you just love all those perceived attacks against your precious church, because it gives you something to do during the day that doesn't involve getting a real job. Next:

Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, "Thou Shalt Not." But they continue with their death-style anyway.

Swingandamiss!!! It should go without saying, but any Catholic mouthpiece braying about sex, perversions, pathologies, and "thou shalt not" needs to be hammered over and over and over again with "Thou shalt not rape their followers." Or, alternately, "Thou shalt not co-habitate with them, get them pregnant, then neglect their paternal duties." Radical gay activists, indeed--project much? And your church's continued insistence on celibacy for your priests is what leads to all of these heinous acts, which are contributing to its own death spiral. "Death style," if you like.

Oh, and what, exactly, is so "radical" about decent human beings wanting equal rights? The notion that homosexuality is a perversion is yet another excuse to point and laugh as the rake handle knocks another tooth loose. Next:

There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone. Now they just insult.

WAAAAAAHHH!!! Hollywood is mean to me! WAAAAAAHHH!!!

Once you've quit crying, ya big sissy, lissenup: I would agree with you that the Catholic Church is a big, fat, easy target. I also agree with you that your church doesn't deserve it. Well, except for the rape, the coverups, the payoffs of the victims, the cynicism, the hypocrisy, the homophobia (project much?), the prohibitions against women being in control of their bodies, and the idiocy of your pope on virtually everything. Oh, and the funny uniforms need to go, too; they make target acquisition too easy. Next:

The only way secular saboteurs can be stopped is by an alliance of religious conservatives across faith lines. The good news is that this is already happening. In the fight over gay marriage, the scorecard is 30-0: traditional Catholics, evangelical Protestants, Orthodox Jews, Orthodox Christians, Muslims, and Mormons, along with a big contribution from the Latino and African American communities, have succeeded in throwing a roadblock at this crazy idea.

Thanks for providing us a convenient list of bigots. We'll get back to you.

(Go here for a list of logical fallacies and look up "Argumentum ad populum." Basically, "Just because a lot of people believe it, doesn't make it true. Or in this case, doesn't make it morally right. And any half-assed debate coach would be able to tell that to a high school freshman.)

I'll skip to the last paragraph...it's a real howler:

The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they're too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.

YOU SCREAMING DUMBO, BILL! You're saying all you need to do is continue to use women as brood mares (quiverful movement, anyone?), then indoctrinate the innocent litters of kids that result into your warped, twisted, and just plain wrong way of looking at the world, and expect it to carry it on throughout their lifetimes. What an arrogant, cynical asshole.

I have every confidence that there is some type of inherent tendency for individuals to be religious or skeptical. I'm living proof of that...I had every excuse growing up to be a lifelong Catholic. I grew up in the era before the Internet, and I went to a Catholic school fuhcryinoutloud. Didn't work. I'm the type of person who's inclined to not believe anything at face value. Ususally...nobody's perfect.

But to suggest that you're just going to keep pounding this guilt, shame, and impossible-to-live-up-to standards into kids until it runs out their ears because queers shouldn't marry... sir, you are a disgrace to your species. All you're really doing is instilling in these kids a perpetual sense of self-loathing. Which, I might add, I battle myself. Daily.

I hope you're satisfied, because a loathsome beast like you will never be happy.
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Update: Andrew Sullivan gives the editors of the WaPo some constructive criticism:

That this column - pure fact-free fulmination, jammed with grotesque generalizations, and no actual arguments - ran in the Washington Post tells you that they are either desperate or just beyond caring what appears under their auspices. Did Jon Meacham and Sally Quinn actually sign off on this as a serious piece of commentary? Their faces are grinning at the top of it.

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More: Daylight Atheism takes to the screed with a civil scalpel more effective than my own sarcastic sledgehammer.

Int'l Blasphemy Day: Open Letter To Bill Donohue

Today is International Blasphemy Day. Given that my namesake, St. Paul the Wordsmith, was all about letters, I decided to write one to the biggest bloated windbag and media whore at the beck and call of the Catholic Church (whether they want him or not). On that note, a reading from the First Letter of Paul to the Catholic League.

To: Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League
From: Paul Lundgren, aka "Cycle Ninja," z-list blogger, reality-based human
Re: International Day of Blasphemy

Dear Mr. Donohue:

Like most things on this blog, this missive is going to be random scattered bits of irony, dry humor, exasperation, and just plain outrage, and it might ramble on a bit, but please bear with me. One thing I will promise is that I will drop no foul language, but believe me, it'll be a strain.

I am taking time on this, the International Day of Blasphemy, to call you out on your disgraceful behavior in defending the criminal actions of your church. Your website states, quote,

"And today's brand of anti-Catholicism is more virulent and more pervasive than ever before in American history. While it is true that Catholics as individuals have made progress in securing their rights, the degree of hostility exhibited against the Catholic Church is appalling. Quite simply, Catholic bashing has become a staple of American society."

Bluntly speaking, you deserve it. Your church has no claim to morality of any kind anymore at all. The crimes committed under the steeples of your church all over the world are what are truly appalling. But the cover-ups, the papal edicts ordering the cover-ups, and the consistent, system-wide, organized reaction of the church to protect its reputation first, minimize the financial damage second, and make amends--maybe--third is inexcusable and make me want to barf. You have no excuses anymore. You are not a model of piety and morality, you are an ironclad example of how NOT to do morality.

(And that bit about "securing their rights" is a real howler--when was the last time any Christian-based church in this country had any right to bitch about lack of rights? Maybe the Mormons, but still--being taken seriously and having immunity from criticism and mockery is not a right, dimwit--it's an earned privilege. Oh, and ask a gay person in this country about the actions of your free-to-marry parishoners in passing laws that are biased against gay rights, and then use that line about your rights--you'll get an earful. In short, burn that strawman, it doesn't apply.)

Now, back to morality: let's cite one single example that is all-too-predictable: I am a native of Fort Madison, IA. A few years back, I personally received a notice from the Diocese of Davenport informing me that I had such-and-such time to file notice that I had a claim in a class-action suit against the diocese in a sex-abuse-by-priests scandal. Gee, imagine that. And I recently learned that my own home town is the site of such a scandal.

Two lawsuits claim (Rev. James) Janssen abused boys under the age of 14 at St. Joseph Parish in Fort Madison, where the priest served as assistant pastor from 1961 to 1967.

Not me, personally; before I was born, even. But my home parish! Your church has for centuries built up the trust (read: blind obedience) of its followers from birth, and then betrayed them over and over and over again. You deserve all the scorn and "Catholic bashing" you get, many times over.

And you, sir, deserve your own personal amount of it for your shameless defense of the church. Or I should say, for your shameless attacks on the perceived enemies of the church. You know, those people who correctly cite the church's crimes and have the audacity to hold the joint responsible for them? Even during the shameful revelation of the abuses taking place in boarding schools in Ireland, you poo-pooed the abuses those boys and girls (now men and women) had gone through. When was the last time you suffered any real hardship, sir? Or is it because of your own unhappy childhood that you have taken this task upon yourself?

Regardless of your motives for maintaining your post with such vigor, let me give you a brief insight into how the public perceives you...You are nothing more than a self-appointed mouthpiece for the most obviously corrupt church in the world with the exception of the Church of Scientology. You are a vile buffoon with an unfortunate-but-appropriate resemblance to Karl Rove whose sputtering would be absolutely laughable were it not for the fact that the bile belching from your ugly mouth reflects your sincere attempts to un-ironically justify the worst kind of crimes against humans--crimes that leave physical and mental scars for lifetimes--simply because they were committed by Catholic priests and therefore, it's all fine and dandy.

The Church of Scientology does the same thing. L. Ron Hubbard was famous for stating, "Attack, never defend." Well, look how well that works. If there is a strategy more guaranteed to fail than that, I'd like to hear it.

Your Catholic league bears several similarities to the CoS, by the way. You constantly rant about your membership of 300,000+ individuals, but you and you alone are the only member we ever hear of. That makes me seriously question the veracity of your figures. Or, again like the C of Sci, how you arrive at those figures. You, too, have an unfailing belief that everything Catholic is good by definition, and that anyone who says anything bad about the church--even if true--is bad-if-not-evil by definition. Here's the real deal, skippy: you are an insecure little nobody of a human being with all the inherent scariness of a de-horned pufferfish. Take away the prickliness, and you have no substance at all. You, sir, are a loathsome insect.

And if you haven't noticed, the egg sac which spawned you is not exactly thriving. USA Today, among many others, documents the decline not only of the priesthood, but of the dues-paying membership. There are all kids of scientific reasons, but here's my own (unscientific) take. As with most things in life, it's all about the Internet. Seriously.

As others have pointed out, the Internet has been the death of the Church of Scientology. I believe it will be so for the Catholic Church, as well. Not in the sense that an institution that massive will EVER become extinct (although I live in hope). However, once all of the mysteries and secrets are out in the open, good luck trying to sell the usual sales pitches to get people with even a modicum of critical thinking skills to swallow it.

Taken in that context, it doesn't surprise me at all that the church is investing a lot of resources in Africa. You have a population that is suffering massive deprivations from HIV/AIDS, and the corresponding despair and desperation that goes with it, and is inarguably far behind other parts of the world in Internet infrastructure, let alone access. Combine those with a tradition of witchcraft and shamanism, and the church is exploiting an easy market.

What is also not surprising is the fear-mongering. A Catholic bishop in Africa has made the outrageous claim that condoms come pre-infected with HIV. (Last I heard, he was still on the job). Your pope's cynical idiocy and vapidity on the subject have already been torn apart. And yet, people will believe them, because of the inherent superstitions of the population, superstitions which go back centuries.

But you can't keep it up forever. Information is the enemy of superstition. The more people who are able to see how utterly ridiculous are your church's beliefs, how callously indifferent to human feelings are its doctrines, and how disgracefully cynical are its actions in the real world, the more people will reject them.

And again, your actions are helping bring that day about. Your comedy routine of stepping on the rake to make the end of the handle whack you in the puss is contributing to the amount of derision your church deserves. Remember, this is your church's fault. Point fingers all you want, we'll keep laughing, and encouraging others to do the right thing and leave.

In short, keep up the good work!

Sincerely yours,

Paul Lundgren
Ames, IA

PS: The same Constitutional Amendment that gives you the right to practice your religion as you see fit is the same Amendment that gives me and many others the right to call you on your baloney. Remember that.

PPS: I'll say hi to Penn and Teller for you when I'm in Vegas next spring.

Bill Donohue: Epic Failure of a Human Being

Looks like Bill Donohue of the Catholic League got splattered by an interview with an Irish reporter a few days ago. He was part of a three-way interview in which one of the victims of the recently-cataloged history of Irish reform school abuse was a participant. And this vile apologist for all abuses Catholic actually pulled a Bill O'Reilly and screamed at the abuse victim to "SHUT UP" about it, already. Disgusting.

Anyway, religious commentator Richard Sipe shreds Donohue with a casual brutality that would make any video gamer green with envy...

"William Donohue, the voice of the Catholic League, cites the reaction to the report as “Hysteria.” Donohue is a Bozo. I don’t know any other appellation that can adequately describe the uninformed, unintelligent, and frankly stupid reaction of a man who responds thus to the facts of abuse by supposedly responsible and trusted religious."

It gets better from there, too. Go. Read it.

HT: Pharyngula.